At every line at every gate at every airport I've ever waited to board at, you get the same characters over and over. While I'd like to not even be noticed, like most of the nice passengers are, I think I may be "that strange lady that watches everyone". I'm not bitter or angry, but I do get annoyed. In the line there, I can't say much, or do anything - it's not fair to add to the share of irritations that are part and parcel of flying. But, without dwelling too much on that, let's move on to the people I was watching:
1. The sports team
Always more than three of them, but less than twenty, the sports team is usually wearing matching jackets with their names on them. They are also standing in precisely that spot where everyone must walk past, talking loudly about their exploits, sometimes athletic, usually sexual. Offhand comments about how they saw grown men behaving like children combined with lewd descriptions of their wild parties, with a smattering of insulting one of their own, usually the only one with a remaining clean shirt, completes the recipe. C'mon, bru! Paris was f@#$ing awesome. What was that thing called - that tower thing? With the lights? That was sweet!
2. The Duty-Free shopper
Only one item of hand luggage? Ha! This person has spent every last cent of their worldly funds (it seems) on duty free items. Eight bottles of perfume, four cologne. Five watches, and ten or twelve bottles of assorted liquor. Don't forget the half dozen extra-large Toblerones. Also, their on board bag is pushing the limits of decency, and they aren't a petite person either. Oh, and the kicker? You end up sharing their overhead compartment on board. Would I mind keeping my bag by my feet so they can put their stuff up top and out of the way? I mean, it's not like I'm 6 feet tall and need that tiny bit of leg room they give you, is it?
3. The American
With sincerest apologies to my American friends (who I am quite sure are part of the masses of folk that draw no attention to themselves), many Americans make horrible tourists and travelers. We're all standing in the queue. The queue that starts about ten meters and fifty people behind where I am, I'm half way to the front. The American and their offspring goes straight to the front of the line, like that's exactly what you're supposed to do. The friendly airline lady points out that the queue starts back there. American nods, says yes, that does seem to be the end of the queue, and doesn't move. Er, what on earth does the American think the lady was trying to do? Has she perhaps never seen the end of a queue in her life, and is so pleased that she must point out this object of curiosity? After three more reminders, and a couple more attempts of the American to just slip into the queue at the front, a male compatriot of hers tells them to go to the back of the line. As they walk past me, the child asks what I assume to be the parent why they're going to the back of the line. The American answers: "because that man told us to go there". I would have thought the reason is because you need to wait your fair turn. Oh well.
4. The reader
I'm all in favour of reading. Actually, I love reading, and am nearly always busy with some book or another. I have sympathies with wanting to read a nice book, and get lost in a fantasy world when your reality is a dreary queue and a looming ten hour confinement to a tiny chair with no space and strangers half on your lap. Truly, I do. But believe me, you can't, absolutely can't, be lost in a fantasy world and function in a queue. I don't care what you think you're doing, in reality, you drag behind, bump into people (or cause close calls in that regard), forget your bag, lose your place, fumble with your ticket, and generally are a little bit in the way. You are also unable to respond timeously to wild little children or to sudden emergencies (or, more practically, to announcements saying who should do what). If we could just all join you chasing dragons in the novel you're reading that would be grand, but since we can't, would you mind joining us in our dreary queue for the 30 minutes or so it takes? It will make it much easier on everyone to not have to gently guide you along. Because they do. Even if you don't know it.
5. The Dirty German
Again I must apologise before I start. But Germans, amongst you there are young persons, often with very professionally made dreadlocks and loose fitting (yet extremely expensive) hemp clothing. These oddballs (?) have forgotten one very small detail in their quest to save the world by escaping their privileged, middle class existence using airplanes to Africa. That is, that even in Africa, people bathe. You stink. Surely the little bit of deodorant you could have worn to avoid the cloud of body odour you sport will do less harm to the world than the airplane you're about to travel in? For that matter, it probably does less harm than the methane you yourself is producing. I have sat behind you once, and it truly made me airsick. To quote a brand you likely despise because of their exploitation of cheap labour (because all hemp is, of course, farmed responsibly by cheery middle class folks with good health care and a tertiary education); "just do it."
6. The worrier.
You have my sympathies. I know how anxious one gets before a flight. But yes, this is gate 28, Air Imaginary Flight 440. Yes, we are boarding in an hour. Yes, this one does go to Johannesburg. It's ok, I'll repeat all that information for you. So will the airline clerk. As will the ten other people you've asked. We may even be patient and polite. Truthfully, we're all nervous, and you're making us worse too. Why not go see that doctor of yours before hand, and get a little something something to help you? For your own sake - it can't be fun being truly terrified of being in the wrong place, but mostly, that little something is for the people who share a cabin section with you. There will be turbulence, and desperately yelling: "the plane is going down, I knew it, we're all going to die!" is not what you want to hear while doing your own best to just ride it out.
7. The smoker
You do not have my sympathies. You need to quit, because you are addicted, and that makes you a burden on others. Not just in the vague "you will use more than your fair share of the general government medical facilities and other communally funded things" way, in the literal, I'm sitting next to you and you're starting to shake, getting rather aggressive and the poor flight attendant is desperately asking for a nicotine patch for you (yes, they did find the nicotine patch). I've seen you hit a flight attendant when you were asked to please sit down. I've seen you twitch and shake. You need help. Especially when you're trying to smoke in the queue to get on to the plane!
I'm sure there are other stereotypes, but I've had one (or more) of these in pretty much every boarding queue I've ever been in. And truthfully, I feel better having written it out :)
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